Hello there 2014. I’ve made no resolutions for myself as I would feel terrible changing perfection.
Perfection
I’m kidding, of course. Last year saw major changes for me. After a long a terrible time living in a haze of self-inflicted depression I slowly started to pull myself out of it and allow myself to enjoy and appreciate life again. I am in no way saying I was suffering from clinical depression but there were many, many things that I was dealing with that were bringing me down. A few months after I started turning myself around I met a wonderful, incredible woman who saw me for who I was underneath all the layers of tarnish that had built up.
I started eating better, I was working out again, I began to care about dressing better again. Thanks to her I started living a better, healthier life. Also, thanks to her, I started this blog.
To the good life
The funny thing about all that was, the whole time both she and I were going through some very difficult times that we were able to offer help and support to each other to come through. Every challenge that arose, we were able to squash it and move on, which is wonderful and exactly how it should be, however, as we fought harder and harder we began to “reward” ourselves more and more. Even that is a fine concept, a solid victory does deserve a fine reward, however, in our case our rewards were usually fine cocktails, good cheese and dirty, dirty late-night Taco Bell runs.
Even this still would have been OK but somewhere along the way I stopped going to the gym and I stopped eating healthy when I wasn’t stuffing my face with cheese or questionable taco “meat”.
I knew I should stop myself, I knew that I should change and go back to a healthier lifestyle but with everything that was going on I just felt it way to comforting to think “Tonight I am gonna call up Pizza Sola and eat half a large pie in one sitting” which was always incredibly delicious. Or even worse, when I was done eating half a pizza I would get in the car and get ice cream.
Now, fortunately, I never went back to the bologna sandwiches and soda-pop that made me way too big-a-boy the first time around, but I was still getting a little close to the waistline of my pants and I wasn’t liking it. UNFORTUNATELY my thought process was always “I’ll start again next week”. I am finally out of next weeks. I recently got a new house to which I am currently in the process of moving, it is a brand new year and between my lovely girlfriend and I many new and wonderful things are happening. So I decided it’s also time for a new regiment and get back to being healthy.
Last night, I started with a delicious juice my girl made with all kinds of wonderful green, leafy things. This morning for breakfast I had a green smoothie, also made for me by her, on my way to the gym and now I am drinking some wonderful tea.
I am incredibly excited for the new year and all of the awesome things I will get to experience with my girl and my kids and I am especially looking forward to being active and healthy enough to do them.
If you can do only one thing for yourself this year, take your health more seriously. Good health makes everything better.
I have been doing stand-up comedy for a little over eight years and I love it. There is nothing truer and more honest than stand-up, it is the last true bastion of freedom of speech. A stand-up comic can say whatever he wants. Sure, sometimes people won’t like what he says and sometimes he might even get shit for it but the truth is for that time you’re standing in front of the mic, we are completely free to say anything you like. If you’re a good comic you’ll get people to listen, if you’re and excellent comic you’ll stir people’s emotions. Maybe you’ll talk about some common ground that we all share that sparks a cherished childhood memory, or maybe you’ll be talking about a deeply personal experience and someone in the audience identifies with it because the same heart-wrenching thing happened to them and thanks to you being up they don’t feel alone anymore. The ultimate payoff though is getting that laugh from people, then you know that you’re really doing it correctly.
I have been fortunate enough in my time doing this to play some larger corporate gigs and colleges all the way down to doing an open mic in the middle of February in the middle of South Dakota, performing to quite literally two people and no matter if its 1,000 people laughing or just one, when you hear that snicker that grows into a chuckle and then a full on laugh, all is right with the world. There is nothing like the rush of getting on stage, with nothing but a microphone, standing in front of an audience, staring into that bright spotlight and not knowing whether you’re going to be amazing or if you’re going to bomb out and have the worst night of your life. See, that’s the price you pay for that complete freedom on stage, the audience also has the freedom to think that you suck. You could be doing a set hat you’ve been polishing for two years and have gotten laughs every time you’ve done it but if an audience isn’t picking up on it one night, you’re just some idiot on stage flapping his mouth hole about things they have no interest in. No matter how good and how professional you are, you’re always working without a net.
That being said, a year ago there were some events taking place in my life that made me realize I couldn’t fully devote my attention to doing stand-up at the time. I was spreading myself thinner and thinner and I had to let go of something and unfortunately, at the time, I had to let go of doing stand-up. I found other outlets, I wrote for various blogs, I started this one, I was recording music again, writing other types of stories, writing skits and bits to film but nothing could give me the rush of doing stand-up. Originally I was only going to take off for two months, that would give me time for things to settle down in my life and then I would write some new material and get back out there. Two months turned into four, four into eight and now it has been almost a whole year. There was one time in the last year I stopped into an open mic I had never been to before, just to dip my toes in but to be honest, I shouldn’t have done it. I was still overwhelmed and frustrated with some thing. I was drunk and not in a good way and I hadn’t written anything. I went in a shot from the hip and while I had two bits that landed really well, the rest was just shit.
I really knocked the wind out of my own sails with that. I really let the fear get a hold of me and though every other aspect of my life was going really well, I just couldn’t sit down and write new material for stand-up. Every time I started I would feel this empty cave growing inside me. I’d scribble a few lines, save them away somewhere and forget about it again for a few weeks. Then about a month ago, I looked around and realized, life is only terrible and scary if you let it be. I know, that sounds cliché and stupid but it’s very true. Yes, there is still some terrible shit going on in my life that in the past would probably crush me and relinquish me to drinking massive amounts of alcohol alone in my basement every night but on the other side of that same coin, there are a bunch of new things in my life that make this the happiest time in my life. The only difference between me being happy and enjoying life or me being depressed and hating life is my attitude.
That being said, in the month since I realized that I have started to feel that little spark again, that one that says, “Get back out there, stand on stage and work without a net”. I’ve been writing more and more material, completely different kinds of material that is way outside of my comfort zone. I have been preparing as best I can, working on my delivery, my pace, my voice, my look, all of it. I have been editing, re-writing, re-working and polishing everything all to be laser focused and ready to do this again. Yes, there is a chance that I will get out there and no one will laugh. So what? I know going into this that this is the best material I have ever written. I know going into this that I am ready and honestly if I get out there and I suck tonight, well, there is an open mic every night of the week. I will find another and try again.
It is 12:05 AM on October 1st, 2013. Over the next 22 hours until it is time for me to get on stage I am going to try and keep an accurate record of what I am doing, thinking and feeling, leading up to my set.
12:05 AM- Just got out of the shower, laying in bed trying to cut my set from fifteen minutes to five.
12:25 AM- Finished with my set, letting my girlfriend take a look to get her opinion.
1:00 AM- Taking one last look at my set and doing a mental check list.
7:00 AM- Awake, excited, can’t wait for tonight.
7:30 AM- Driving to work, listening to stand-up. Extremely excited to know I am going to be doing it again.
8:15 AM- Going through my morning emails at work and setting up my task list for the day.
9:05 AM- Taking another look at my set.
9:52 AM- Converted my set to stage notes in my little pocket notebook. Timed it to exactly five minutes. Very, very excited.
10:39 AM- I have been walking around all morning going over my set. I own it. This is gonna be great.
10:45 AM- Gonna spend the rest of the morning listening to Pete Holmes and Yakov Smirnoff.
11:38 AM- My set is finely tuned and ready to just destroy. I feel like a tiger just stalking the jungle of comedy. My set is about a minute long than I’d like but that’s fine. If I lose my pacing and go to fast then I know I will come in fine and if not then its only a minute, no big deal. I’m so ready for tonight.
4:00 PM- I have gone over my set until I have it almost committed to memory. I have scaled it correctly, I have worked on delivery. I. AM. READY.
8:15 PM- Leaving for the show.
9:08 PM- Catching up with some old friends, catching up on the scene.
Welcome gentlemen. I would like you take your hand and place it at the base of your throat, right where your neck connects to your chest. You SHOULD feel a small bump. Don’t worry, its not a tumor, its your tie. I am assuming you’re wearing a tie because I know you know how to tie one and it just completes the look.
Oh…um if you AREN’T wearing a tie and you feel a lump there… you should probably get that checked out.
So assuming you’re wearing your tie and you’re ready to walk out the door to work, or play or various nefarious activities, let me go ahead and stop you right there. That tie is supposed to lay flat against your shirt and look nice. That’s it, that’s its whole job. It is not supposed to flap in your face in the wind, its not supposed to get sucked into automated office equipment and kill you, its just supposed to look nice.
Not again!!!
Welcome to the world of tie accessories. It can be a little scary, I know, especially if you’re a man who is afraid of jewelry but don’t worry, we here at The Revolution will hold your hand and help guide you through this new and mysterious territory.
Lets start off on this journey by taking a look at the choices that are available to you.
There is my personal favorite, the tie tack:
Tie Tack
Then there is the tie bar:
Tie Bar
The tie clip:
Tie Clip
The tie strap:
Tie Strap
The tie chain:
Tie Chain
And finally the collar chain:
Collar Chain
Each has its own set of pros and cons and particular rules that apply but really it is a matter of personal choice. However, if you are brand new to this game I’ll give you a little insight.
The Tie Tack:
The reason I personally love the tie tack is that it is smaller and subtle but still very expressive. I have various jewels and pins that I wear with different ties or outfits. The obvious disadvantage is that you have to poke a hole through your tie every time you wear one. Now, I have seen some arguments saying that a tie tack “destroys” a tie. Let me clear this up, as long as you’re spending more than six bucks on a tie and get some quality material and you actually take your time to put the pin in, you won’t disfigure your tie.
I have worn a tie tack almost every day for the last year and when I take my tie off you cannot tell there was a hole put through it.
The Tie Clip:
The tie clip is usually my second choice, I like them because they are still small and subtle, it is usually half as wide as your tie, can come in a variety of colors and will absolutely not put a hole in your tie. On the downside, it is a clip and both the spring and the hinge are susceptible to breakage.
The Tie Bar:
To be completely honest, I have never worn a tie bar. The tie bar is usually as wide as your tie, functions via pressure, like a money clip and can come in a variety of designs. While the tie bar doesn’t have moving parts like the clip that can break, it can bed the wrong way, end up a little loose and slide off ending up being lost to the ages.
The Tie Chain:
I personally don’t care for a tie chain, I believe it screams “I USE COCAINE AND TOUCH PEOPLE INAPPROPRIATELY” but that’s just me, you do what you want. The pro to the tie chain is, there is virtually no way to damage your tie as the chain just gently lies across it. The con is that it does connect to a button on your shirt and could possibly rip off a button.
The Collar Chain:
The collar chain is exactly what it sound like, it is a chain the hangs between your collar points and lies across your tie. The cons are that it also can in no conceivable way hurt your tie, the con is you look like Gordon Gekko (which is really a bad thing) and a collar chain usually anchors to your collar with a pin on either side which could possibly leave holes/rust marks on your shirt.
The Tie Strap:
If you simply want to keep your tie flat against your chest but don’t want to call any extra attention to it, there is an option called the tie strap. A tie strap connects to your shirt, vertically between two buttons. You weave the strap through the strip of material on the back of the tie in order to keep it in place. The benefit is, if you’re totally uncomfortable with an extra accessory, no one will ever see this little strip, the possible cons are that if your tie pulls taut against it you’ll either rip off a button or the small strip of material on your tie.
The Collar Pin:
Another accessory you can wear that IS NOT a restraint, is a collar pin. This is simply a piece of jewelry to compliment your tie and complete an overall look.
Collar Pin
Collar pins come in a variety of shapes but the two most common are the bar bell pictured above and a standard pin which looks like an over-sized safety-pin.
So not counting the collar chain and collar pin, lets assume you’ve chosen either a tack, bar or clip, where are you to where this damn thing exactly?
Well, if you’re wearing a tie tack, ESPECIALLY with a vest, fasten the anchor in the second or third button-hole and position the tack itself where it can peek out over the top of your vest. If you’re not wearing a vest (hint: you should ALWAYS be wearing a vest) never go below the third button-hole. It’ll be way too low and look odd. Clips and bars you can get away with positioning anywhere between the second and fourth buttons.
Here’s a couple of quick rules.
1) It’s OK to wear cuff links, a tie tack, a collar pin, a pocket square and a flower on your lapel all at the same time.
2)It’s not OK to wear a collar chain and a collar pin together.
3)NEVER wear a tie without at least one accessory.
I am currently in the midst of updating and refurbishing my home. It has been a long and arduous task but it has also been very rewarding, I have learned a lot that even I didn’t know about home improvement and finally, it is almost over.
One of the final steps in this process is replacing my old, worn out, broken down, sad, awful furniture. I was greatly looking forward to this as in my entire adult life I have never purchased brand new furniture. I have paid for a brand new couch once but I had nothing to do with picking it out or had any say as to what it was and I hated it for the entire year I owned it until I got rid of it. I come from a very large family and every time I needed furniture there was always someone showing up with a truck of their old stuff and leaving it with me and for the most part as long as it was comfortable and didn’t look too insane, I was happy to have it. Now however I want brand new furniture that I picked out and was exactly what I want as far as shape, color and comfort. I was very excited.
The first thing I did of course was to hop online and look at what was out there. I spent at least two months searching every corner of the internet for exactly what I wanted then asking my girlfriend her opinion of it, then going back and looking at everything again to make sure it was exactly perfect and then eliminating it if it wasn’t. So, happily, after this process I had narrowed it down to exactly what I wanted.
Sofa
Chair
Table
All of the furniture that I liked came from Macy’s so I figured it was easy enough for me to drive right up to McKnight road and go in person to actually sit on it and test it out as opposed to just ordering blindly online. I grabbed my girlfriend and we were off. When we arrived at the store we were greeted by a salesman named Mike who seemed happy to see us. At first I was so excited to finally be making my purchase that I hadn’t really stopped to take stock of the situation before me but after about 20 minutes I realized what was happening.
I was a salesman for a long, long time. I personally never looked at it like a job, I saw sales as a hobby which I loved that I happened to make a very comfortable living at. I studied it, I was obsessed with it. I could sell crotchless panties to a nun and she would thank me for the chance to work with me. I know what to look for in a good salesmen and quite frankly I have come to expect a certain level of service, a certain attitude, when making a purchase. Especially if that particular salesman makes a commission. That doesn’t mean I want to have someone blowing smoke at me and trying to make me feel warm and fuzzy but I do expect a certain level of mutual respect.
Mike DID NOT meet these expectations and beyond that he continued to “correct” my girlfriend over the color of one of the items we’re purchasing and truthfully, the difference between what he was saying and what she was saying was minimal and arbitrary. Both colors being described were a light blue-green but she was calling it Teal and he would correct her and call it mineral then give me this look like “She’s a girl and she’s dumb, we’re men and we’re smart”. First, there was only one color option that was even remotely blue or green, so it isn’t like it could have gotten confused and second, if we’re the ones spending the money I don’t care if one of us calls it “Autumn Fromage”, if we’re pointing at it and you know the order code don’t open your mouth to correct me, just wait patiently for me to put my money in your hand.
Needless to say, I left the store disappointed WITHOUT making a purchase.
So, over the next two weeks my girlfriend and I went to six more furniture stores and I looked again at a wide variety of furniture in a wide variety of prices. None of it really appealed to me and had I made the purchase I would have been settling and would end up unhappy. Finally I begrudgingly went back to Macy’s.
This time however was very different. I was greeted by a wonderful salesman named Joe who was personable, knowledgeable and seemed to genuinely love what he was doing. He answered all my questions directly and anything he didn’t know he wasn’t afraid to go get the correct answer for me as opposed to just making something up. This guy was what a salesman should be. `We went through the sale, I found everything I wanted I was ready to go. My only hitch was, this particular day was a Thursday and I wanted to pay a certain amount in cash and I didn’t get paid until the following day. I asked Joe if he was going to be available the following day to which he informed me that was his day off. After trying to match schedules, we finally agreed on the following Monday. I told Joe I would try to call him to confirm but that every time I had tried to call that store in the past no one answered. Rather than make excuses for no one answering the phone he just gave me his personal cell phone number and told me to call him directly.
So, Monday arrives and on the way to the store to make my purchase I give Joe a call. Joe informs me that he fell ill on Saturday and has been in the hospital ever since but that he would call the store, find out who was working, put me in their hands and call me back, all of which he did…from his hospital bed. All because Joe is an amazing salesman.
When I get to the store to make my purchase it was a different story all together. I arrive and ask for Jim, the gentlemen Joe turned me over to. I should point out, Joe did try and contact to other salesmen first and seems to have only turned me over to Jim because no one else was available.
Jim was a sad, miserably angry man who was extremely confrontational, spoke down to me and to other clients as well and seemed as though he hated his job and his employers and his entire life experience. Jim tried to cut corners at every turn, one of which would have resulted in me being overcharged by $130 and finally when it was time to pay it took over an hour for him just to take my damn money. Rather than stop, admit he didn’t know the system and ask for help before he screwed things up so bad there was no fixing it, he plowed on as time ticked away slower and slower.
Honestly there were six different times I felt like telling Jim to just cram the whole sale and be done with it because I knew all the order and color codes and could have just as easily ordered everything myself from home and been done with it. The ONLY reason I continued with the sale was because I knew Joe was getting full credit for it and I had already respected him so highly.
In the end, I will say if you are living in Pittsburgh and shopping for furniture and HAVE to order from Macy’s, call first, ask for Joe and set a time to see him and refuse to deal with anyone else. Heck, even while I was waiting for Jim as he fumbled through ringing my order through there were two other customers complaining about two other salesmen. I am not exactly sure what is going on over there at Macy’s but it seems to be a real shitshow and they pretty much completely ruined my furniture buying experience.
Part of being a gentleman is always maintaining a certain level of calm, collected cool; never letting too much bother you. One of the best ways to maintain that level of cool is to always be prepared. Now obviously no man can ever be completely prepared for every situation but one can and SHOULD have the ability to be ready for most things that can come at you in daily life… or when stepping out for the evening. Now obviously I am assuming that you’ll be wearing a suit when you’re stepping out, you’ll need to utilize almost every pocket of the suit.
Wait…utilize…utility. Utility belt. Suit. Batsuit. I’m turning you into Batman.
You’re welcome.
Pocket Knife
Now the first thing most men might think of when they think “pocket” is “pocket knife” and no doubt, this is one of the most important tools in you arsenal. I really don’t need to explain the infinite situations in which a small, sturdy knife can come in handy, so the real question is, what kind of knife to carry? Lets take a look at the options, shall we?
Some people will tell you “Oh there’s only three types of pocket knife”, well my friends, Mick Dundee and I have something to say about that.
There are many, many types of knives that men have traditionally carried in their pockets, here we’re going to take a look at the more popular varieties. Because my grandfather was such a fine and exemplary gentleman, we’ll start with the type of knife he carried, the Stockman. Stockmans are called stockmans because they were used by men that worked stock. Not “stock” as in Wall Street, “stock” as in livestock, as in cattle. Stockmen were cowboys. This is a cowboy knife.
Like a cowboy.
The stockman is a springback knife with three blades, and one has a very particular purpose. Do you see that blade with the rounded tip that’s under the longer blade? That’s called a “spey blade”. What is a spey blade used for? Lets let our good friend Bob Barker explain.
It’s for castration, because that was one of many jobs a stockman had to do, his knife had to be able to do it. So why should you consider carrying a stockman? Well, its versatile, its great for whittling or cutting an apple and you won’t cause an old woman to wet herself thinking she’s about to get mugged if you need to take it out for something.
Another popular knife is the pen knife. A pen knife is called a pen knife because way back when pens were made from feathers and writing was made by magic, pen knives were used for sharpening quill pens.
The pen is mightier than the sword but not this little knife.
While there are always variations on a theme and “pen knife” has become a catchall term, a pen knife usually has a small single blade. Some people may say, “well a knife with multiple blades can still be a pen knife so technically you’re wrong” to them I say, “Hey jerky, traditionally the knife used to sharpen pens looked more like an x-acto knife so don’t gimme any of your crap”.
Another knife that I remember some of my grandfather’s friends carrying but honestly haven’t seen many of these days is the “congress knife”. A congress knife has four blades, two on each side, and a “half-congress” will have just two and are generally much slimmer.
Congress is in session
I have come across a few interesting theories as to why this particular type of knife is called a “congress” but my two favorites are:
1) In the early 1800’s congressmen were giving whittling sticks to keep them from carving up the furniture during long sessions and these knives were the type preferred to do the whittling.
2) There’s four blades to choose from since they all cant’ agree on one.
I don’t know if either of those stories are true but they are both kind of funny. Here’s one thing that IS a fact about the congress, it was Abe Lincoln’s preferred knife and he was actually carrying one the day he was shot. Congress knives were also the preferred knife of Southern tobacco men.
Another traditional pocket knife is the “sunfish”. I really don’t see a lot of people carry a sunfish but I carried one for a few years when I was a kid. Generally the sunfish is a little longer and wide and will contain a long, wide blade. Sometimes called an “English Rope” knife these seem to appeal to a lot of knife collectors. One thing I could see that would be a benefit to this knife, especially if you plan on carrying it in your hip pocket, is that the sunfish is flat enough that it won’t cause a bulge in your pocket.
Is that a sunfish in your pocket or are you just unhappy to see me?
The “camper” or “multi-function” knife is the last traditional knife I will cover. Lets face it, if I call this knife a camper, yeah, you’ll probably figure out I mean a knife with multiple blades for different situations, however if I say “Swiss Army Knife” then you know EXACTLY what I mean.
Will this help?
While a multi-function knife will in fact prepare you for the most situations, generally they are much bulkier and heavier than any other type of knife.
I have been using the term “traditional knife” this whole time, well what about non-traditional? While I am sure you could carry a jagged edged, 42-bladed, late-night infomercial, psycho knife, what I mean by non-traditional is the butterfly knife, or the type I personally carry, a switchblade.
*EDITORS NOTE: Switchblades aren’t usually “legal” and you should NEVER attempt to take a pocket knife through airport or courthouse security.
Altoids.
Some of you might be wondering why I specifically said “Altoids” instead of “mints” or “gum”. That’s easy, if someone asks you for a mint and you pull out a pack of Tic-Tacs you aren’t a gentleman, you’re a a gas station attendant and as far as “gum” you’re not 10 years old anymore, put the BubbleYum away. Altoids have been around since the 1780’s and are always enjoyed.
Reach in your pocket right now. What’s that electronic device your hand is on? Your cell phone, right? Have you noticed that no where on this list have I mentioned a cell phone as one of the things you NEED to have with you. However sometimes you need to take something down that you need to remember and may forget later. So instead of reaching for your cell phone and taking 7 minutes to type into your calendar something you could write down in 30 seconds, just carry a pen and a notepad and write it down. And if a little notepad isn’t exactly for you, do what I do and carry a mini date book.
Little black book
Money clip or Wallet.
I would love to say that a gentleman should always carry a money clip but lets face it, sometimes you need to organize your stuff a little more and you need a wallet. If I know I am stepping out for a night and I know all I will need is a few bills, my cash card and some I.D. then I go with the monogrammed money clip. The point here is to look distinguished, not “gangster”. Technically, gangsters roll their money up and secure it with a produce band. When considering a wallet, go for something that really showcases your personality.
In all seriousness though, that’s the wallet I carry.
Small Flashlight.
It’s never too cumbersome to have a small flashlight, perhaps on a key chain, on your person at all times. Who knows when you’ll need a flash light to find a fuse box, take a look under the hood or rescue all of your coworkers in some terrible scenario.
And we all shine on.
Windproof Lighter.
I have been collecting Zippo and Vintage penguin lighters since I was about 10. Not only is there the undeniable, unlimited cool factor of pulling out one of these bad boys but they are useful as well. Obviously if you or any of your associates are a smoker than this is a great help but even if you’re not, it is always wise to have quick, easy, reliable access to a flame. Who knows when you’ll need to build a quick fire or light a sexy candle.
Penguin Lighter
On a related note, equally cool is the “pistol lighter” just make sure you get a vintage one made of metal, the plastic ones just make you look like a shit.
Comb.
If you’re a decent gentleman then you know the power of a decent haircut. Once you have a decent haircut it is important to properly groom it through the day. Keeping a small, simple comb in your back pocket can help with this. I used to carry a switch blade comb but when I started carrying a switch blade knife I decided I would avoid any possible scenario where I stab myself in the head while attempting to refine my part.
Head Stabber
Handkerchief.
I know for a fact most of my grandfather’s generation never left the house without a handkerchief and quite honestly, my dad and most of his friends (the most blue-collar, hard working men I know) never went out with one folded in their back pocket. Unfortunately this seems to be a habit that men in my generation are getting away from. Not only is it useful if you have sniffles but it’s also great if you need to wipe your brow, clean your hands unscrew a hot light bulb or offer to your lady as a makeshift hat to protect her hair in unexpected rain.
Hanky Panky
While obviously a nice, silk, monogrammed Handkerchief is the classiest way to go, a classic, cotton, paisley snot rag works just as well.
Side note, when I was a kid and first learning how to do laundry I noticed that almost all of my dad’s hankies had at least one corner ripped off. When I asked him why this was he thought for a second and responded, very stoically “Son, sometimes you’ve just got to poop”. If you’re confused, let me make the connection for you. My dad was a truck driver/heavy equipment operator so this meant that when he had to drop a deuce he’d jump down out of the cab, wherever he was, pop a squat and let ‘er rip, then tidy up with a hunk of his hanky.
So there ya go, another reason to carry a handkerchief is emergency poops because when the going gets tough, the tough wipe with their hanky.
Lip Balm.
Do not, I repeat, do not use Chapstick. I know, I am guilty of this myself. I used to be hooked on the shit but it is nothing but a tube of toxic waste that you spread on your lips. Instead, look around a little and find something natural that will actually protect and refresh your lips.
From tip to tail.
Well gents, that about wraps it up for today.
When is a gentleman more than a gentleman? When he’s prepared to be a hero.
There was a time when tattoos were considered very “ungentlemanly”. These days, though, everyone has a tattoo. Indelible ink is no longer just for criminals, foul-mouthed sailors, bikers, and other people of ill repute. For years tattoos were a stigma that screamed “I am a person of no redeeming social value” and the common misconception was that the more tattoos you had, the worse your work ethic was. Which is complete and total backwards logic because tattoos aren’t cheap. Well, good ones aren’t anyway.
In order to pay for extensive tattoo work you need to work long hours (usually at low wages at some dead-end job because of the prejudgment of society and employers preclude you from getting anything that pays well) and save your pennies. Not an easy task for anyone in today’s economy, nor in yesteryear’s economy.
But that stigma is, to an extent, fading more rapidly than it was just five to ten years back. Though in some bars in some towns in Texas, skeezy biker trash with their obligatory tribal armband Harley Davidson tattoo will call those with extensive and visible tattoo work “one of them tattooed freaks” (yes, this happened to me), tattoos are becoming more and more socially acceptable as the years drag on.
Much more acceptable.
I don’t need to go on some diatribe about the ignorance and narrow mindedness of so much of today’s modern society regarding permanent body art. The fact of the matter is that by our classification of “gentleman”, there is certainly nothing “ungentlemanly” about getting inked up. In many cases, by our standards, it can be quite the opposite. Nothing shows you the endless depths that love your ol’ lady like getting something done in honor of her. Though, if you’ve only known or been with your gal a year or so, consider giving it a while before you go getting something to show the world exactly how head over heels you are with her. Unfortunately there’s a chance you guys may not be one of the ones that last. So, in that regard, proceed with extreme caution. A kick ass eagle holding an M16 may be just the thing to draw a little bit more attention to that walnut crushing bicep you’ve been slaving away at in the gym to perfect. A family crest on your upper pec is a great way to express you’re the pride you feel for and your commitment to your family.
That being said, there are a few things that one ought to consider before running out and getting that manly tattoo that you’ve been hmm-haw-ing about simply because I make a compelling argument. These are things that hold true not just if you’re getting your first tattoo, but even if you’ve gained a few in your worldly travels. Chances are, if you’re extensively covered already, you may not find any new information here, but perhaps you’ll be reminded of something that’ll prevent you from ending up with some FUBAR work. That is, after all, why I’m writing this. To offer a little advice and wisdom when it comes to not only picking, but also in actually receiving your new tattoo. Why? Because I care, quite frankly.
You ever see a movie and think “God, what a terrible film that was” and alert all your friends and the occasional stranger to avoid wasting their time seeing it? Well, I’ve seen a lot of garbage tattoos gracing the skin of people I’ve encountered over the years, and it saddens me. No one should have to walk around with a jacked up tattoo. Much like no one should have to sit and watch anything that M. Night Shyamalan had absolutely anything to do with.
Spoiler alert: The twist ending is it sucks.
Where you get your tattoo is often times more important that what you get tattooed. I’m not talking about where on your body. If you’re not someone who has a dedicated artist or shop that you go to for all your work, this lesson can’t be stressed enough. Tattoo shops are not like chain fast food stores. If you go into greasy burger joint A and order a number 5 from a gangly teen named Star, and then wheel across town to greasy burger joint B (both being the same chain) and order a number 5 from a fat mildly retarded guy in his 40s named Lester, you can almost guarantee that both number 5s will be of the same quality. Even if quality standards are low, you’re going to pay the same price for the same quality burger. That’s not how tattooists are. If you go to Side Show, the fat smelly guy that’s worked for and gotten fired from or “walked away from cause of the owner being full of shit” from every shop in town and get your bitchin’ memorial tattoo for your faithful dog consisting of a big heart and paw print with the name “Rocket Balls” out of his set up in his basaement, there’s a good chance you’re not going to get the same quality of product as if you take the same idea to a known professional who’s got a good track record of quality work in town.
Look at the portfolio of who it is doing your work. Make sure you’re not asking a guy who does nothing but solid black work to do your photo realism. If you flip through a guy’s book and it’s nothing but Chicano black and grey work, maybe see if the dude in the sideways Thrice trucker hat is better at doing color-bomb new school work for that set of brass knuckles on your inner bicep. If the person about to do your tattoo has no way to prove that he’s going to deliver a quality product, and you haven’t seen a significant amount of proof with your own eyes, book it. Seriously, tattooists tend to be egotistical braggarts. If someone isn’t showing off their work, question if it’s worth showing off.
Don’t just assume because someone’s been tattooing for 10 years they’re really good. I know a lot of people who went to college for 7 years that don’t have a degree and didn’t learn a damn thing. Tattooists can be the same. There are tattooers out there who have done this longer than you’ve been alive, and haven’t done but a handful of decent tattoos in that entire time. Again, look at their work. If Skid Face with the jail house work on his forearm says he’s been doing this for 8 years since he learned in the joint, and only has 14 pictures in his portfolio, ask where the rest of his work is at.
The opposite can also be true. There are cats who sling the sickest ink you’ll see and have been at it 3 years. It’s crazy. There are the exceptions to the rules who through some kind of twist of fate take to tattooing like a fish in water. The moral of the story here is “Look at their work”. Make sure the person performing the procedure is qualified to perform the task.
Do a little detective work
Good work ain’t cheap and cheap work ain’t good. That saying exists for a reason. If you’re price shopping, trying to find out who’ll do your tribal armband for the lowest cut rate price, then in this one instance you can compare hamburgers to tattoos. If you go get a number 5 from Lester, you know it’s not going to be as good as the $10 Alabama Slamma with a side of fries from Jimmy Paul’s Gourmet Burgers. In this instance, tattoos are kind of like hamburgers. More often than not, a higher price equals a higher quality. That is, after all, how our capitalist economy works. If you don’t understand this concept, and you just want a tattoo and don’t really care who does it because, after all, “how hard is it to screw up a dolphin jumping out of the water with a sun setting behind it?”, I’ve burned a lot of toast in my life. You want to know how easy it is to completely mess up an “easy” tattoo? Real easy. All in all, go to where they’ll do the best work and pay what they charge you.
This next bit won’t help you get a better tattoo, but it’s something good to hear, regardless of if you listen to me or not. If you don’t tattoo for a living, don’t talk to your tattooist about tattoos like you’re in the business too. Especially if your knowledge comes from all the “reality” television programs about tattooing. You’re a customer, you’re not one of them, you’re a civilian. Don’t sit and try and talk shop with them if you have no first hand experience at the craft.
Here is a real simple rule: Don’t call it a tattoo gun. It’s not a gun. It’s a machine. This is not a nit picky elitist matter of semantics. A tattoo machine is just that. It’s an electromagnetic machine which operates on an electric current and utilizes the addition of spring tension to permanently introduce ink into the dermis level of your skin by the use of groups of needles. A gun shoots bullets and kills things. See the difference there?
Most tattooists don’t care how bad ass your buddy’s tattoo is. You’re no good at describing it, and without seeing it, your tattooist can’t see how cool it is, if indeed it isn’t bad work. See, that’s the thing. Tattooists look at tattoos and see different things. They see where the guy who did the piece roller coarstered the line, or where the line is really superficial and will be gone in 3 years. They notice that the shading ends abruptly and isn’t feathered out worth a damn. A tattooist can look at the misspelled “born to loose” tattoo on your fore arm that your buddy did it in his garage with a kit he bought off the internet and tell know that your dick-head buddy did it in his garage with an online kit. So when you’re sitting there making small talk, know that your tattooist isn’t being rude. It’s just that you’re the 3rd person today to ask him what the weirdest tattoo he’s ever done is, or if he watches “Most Awesome Ink Ever”, or if he’s ever had anyone pass out in the chair… He’s not being a dick if you want to buy a “gun” and learn to tattoo, because you can draw pretty good. He’s just heard a thousand other people say it so far this year. On that note, no, tattooing is not like drawing. Not at all. Not even kind of. So don’t ask. Also, don’t tell your tattooist it’s “just a quick tattoo that’ll take 20 minutes.” You don’t know how long it’ll take. What you think is easy, may be a whole lot more complicated than you think.
There’s this 20 year old girl, short, cute in the face, not lacking boobs, who’s been searching for the perfect tattoo for months now. She walks into the tattoo shop after having done her research on where to get one, finding a tattooist qualified to do her piece, hands him a piece of paper and says “I found this on the internet and printed it up at home.” The scab merchant looks back at her and says “Oh cool, no sweat. I just did that on a girl this past Friday. I got the line drawing right here.” Suddenly that tattoo just isn’t as personal.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with flash. I Have several flash tattoos. Hell, at one point, all there was was flash. You didn’t have custom drawings and free hand pieces. These days though, an internet image search has replaced the flash racks of years gone by. It’s a sad fact, but it’s true all the same. What this means though, is that more people have access to that same exact piece as you do. It used to be certain shops would have certain flash. You could go to Forever Inked on south 7th and see completely different flash than on the walls of Sinful Art on West Canyon Blvd. There were certain pieces that everyone had, but flash was a much more coveted thing. Hence why taking pictures of flash was such a no-no that could get you bounced on your ear a few years ago. Some places, it’s still like that. And rightfully so. The other side to e-flash is that there are a lot of pictures going around that seem really cool in pictures, but are bad ideas in the end with hidden risks.
For instance, really small handwriting. It’s all the rage now a days to have 20 words done in font that needs a magnifying glass to read. Or to do the chorus of whatever dime bin pop song is super hip right now on your side. Lines spread over time. Tattoos spread. It’s what happens. Really small fonts will bleed together over years and turn to illegible mush. So all those words you’ve got jammed into the area of a cookie are going to look really bad in 15 years. But if you look on the web, it’s full of people with tiny cursive font tattoos. That’s one of those fads that you kind of wish never happened, but did.
Beware the fad. Tribal is no longer cool. Not even tribal tattoos that were done at the height of tribal being cool are cool. There’s a difference between classic and trend. Traditional Americana, that’s classic. An infinity symbol that has the word ‘faith’ incorporated in it that you saw 20 variations of on whichever picture website is a fad.
Bad idea
The concept of a tattoo being permanent means something more to someone who has a bad tattoo and knows it. I know because I have bad tattoos. Shit happens. People make mistakes in picking who does their work, or thinks their idea is a whole lot cooler than it really is, or insist the tattoo be done just like they or their buddy drew it and didn’t listen to the advice of the tattooists. But one way or the other, in almost every case, that bad tattoo could have been avoided.
Sometimes it’s the person behind the needles that has no business going anywhere near that portrait of your dead daughter that now looks like the girl from the Grudge… with down syndrome. Maybe you shouldn’t have gotten drunk the night before and bled like road kill through your tattoo and it would’ve healed up with all the ink still in it. Once in a while the apprentice gets a little over confidant and should have practiced other areas before he went nuts on that side piece for 4 hours with a 5 liner. All the same though, bad tattoos are a tragedy. So educate yourself and do some research before getting one. And if I see you in line at the convenience store rocking some bad ink, the least I can say is “I tried.”
***Nick Fit is a professional tattooist in Abilene, Texas. He is also an aspiring musician, literary hero, amateur mechanic and object of intense sexual desire…ladies.
Hello, I am a divorced single-father, a writer, musician, stand up comic and adventurer. I am currently in a happy relationship with a wonderful young woman and overall I am very happy with my life. I love, KISS, pro wrestling, monster trucks, pizza, stupid trivia and going on strange alcohol-fueled adventures through american history. I fancy myself a motorcycle enthusiast. I’ve re-built a few vintage bikes into all new custom creations. My goal for 2013 is to build a light, crazy cafe racer out of a Honda Goldwing.
Two things people don’t ever expect, I am an ordained minister (the internet kind, now I can marry people kind not the crazy super-Jesus kind) and I was once a roadie for Kenny Rogers. After high school I moved to San Antonio for a while, moved back to PA, ran a pizza shop, went to college in Pittsburgh, moved to South Florida, moved to Detroit, moved South Dakota, moved back to Pittsburgh. I wanna try Memphis or maybe somewhere on the West Coast next.
I want to convince Kenny G, Yanni and Yo-Yo Ma to form a band called Kennyanniyo. I like really strange authors, Hunter S., Chucky P., Hemingway and Steinbeck are some of my favorites. I like a lot of hard rock, blues, some metal, a lot of older punk (since I am an older punk), I get into some other stuff too, little rap, old outlaw country, pretty much anything that’s well written.
The word gets tossed around a lot but what makes a man a gentleman? Originally a gentleman was someone born of noble or gentle birth and was part of the gentry. Next it was a man of leisure who was wealthy and did not need to work. Eventually it became a catchall term for all men.
There are those who say that in the last few years true gentlemen have all but disappeared but I don’t believe that is the case at all. Perhaps we weren’t as prevalent as we should have been, allowing cheap trends and poor style hide who we were. Perhaps we weren’t easily identified as gentlemen because we lacked any kind of social structure but we’ve always been here.
Gentlemen, its time fr a revolution. Not one of conflict or chaos but one where we redefine and evolve the concept of a gentleman. A modern gentleman.
A true modern gentleman is someone who respects himself (dresses well, eats well, stays physically active, grooms properly, works hard), respects all women, respects his fellow-man (gives to charity, helps those he can however he can) takes pride in his home (can work around the house, contributes to the neighborhood and greater community), isn’t afraid to express himself, educates himself, is well spoken and in turn is someone who all respect in return. Never live your life to work, work only to live your life, to provide for yourself and your family and the rest of the time, ENJOY your life and your family.
Being a modern gentleman doesn’t mean you must be rich or snobby, it just means enjoy life. Dress well, eat good food, drink good booze, travel to new places experience new things and appreciate life for what it is. We live in scary times, there will always be a precipice that you’re dangerously close to falling into but that doesn’t mean you have to let the fear of falling cripple you. The abyss will always be there, it’s up to you to make the most of your life.
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Jay
Reverend Rocky
Nick Fit
The Gentlemen's Revolution 